When our paths change direction...

I've been a Christian since I was five and can still recall the "conversion experience", that of saying the "Sinner's Prayer".  However my faith was not my own faith, I don't think I even understood what I did that day.  It wasn't until I left home at 19 that I had to make a decision about many things, probably the most important decision being that about my "faith", my "religion".

Since that time my path has led me through huge life and career transitions, friends and family dying, doubting times, reassured times, a very "dark" period where I thought about taking my life, "mountain top" experiences, and even a time where I cursed God and dared Him to strike me dead.  I doubted God, I doubted He even existed.  I questioned why I had to go through times that I thought would end me.  I still wrestle with the timeless - "problem of evil".  The Church and those in the Church have infuriated me to no end.  I have left a couple of churches because I couldn't agree with the ideas they were propagating.  My beliefs have continuously been taking shape and I no longer see eye to eye with some of my dearest friends.  My belief in God is stronger than ever because when I look around there isn't any doubt He exists.

Within the past year some of the people who I love the most have "come out" and said they are no longer Christians.  These are people who have done everything from live a missionary lifestyle to sing in a worship band to have Jesus tattooed on them.  This blog post is for them.

Dear ___________,

I love you.  I feel that when I've spent time with you I've walked on eggshells, maybe even drank more than I should have just so I didn't have to talk to you about your new course.  I just don't know what to say, and more than anything I want to love you and not start a fight.  But dancing around this is anything but loving.

Please forgive me if I ever used my faith/religion to hurt you, to abuse you, or manipulate you.  I'm a fuck up just like anyone else who carries the label of "Christian" (or any other religion).  I'm convinced that I don't know it all and that we don't have a real grasp on how we're supposed to love one another.  Things that I and other Christians have done have been anything but loving and I believe completely unlike the character of Christ.

I'm not asking you to "rethink" your decision.  I would love to sit with you and hear all about your decision.  Right now I'm really confused by it.

When you say that there is no God, I have a hard time believing that because when I see you I know that you're not an accident.  I don't believe you're here after some cosmic catastrophe.  I've never seen order come from chaos.  But enough about me and what I believe.  Enough about me trying to convince you about "intelligent design" - that's what I'm inclined to do and what I've begun to do here.

I know that you are upset about what you've come out of.  But please know that sometimes your words are hurtful, and make me feel like a simpleton and at worst an idiot because I choose to believe what I believe.  Could you please think about how you go about "combating" religious thoughts/practices/beliefs?    

I'm getting long winded, and ultimately I just wanted you to know that I love you unbelievably much.  How can I support you on your quest, and in your day to day life?

- Tim