Pissed, Frustrated and Fed Up.

Disclaimer... This may be a little ranty, and all over the place, but I am at the point where I just don't know what else to do but air my feelings.

I'm pissed. I'm frustrated. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. And overall I'm just fed up.

I guess I don't understand this concept of "white privilege". Apparently this guy, me, a simple dude from California's Central Valley isn't a self-made man after all. Somewhere along the way I received a boost, a hand up from unseen entities to get where I am today. I didn't have to work for what I have. This idea that I have some sort of "privilege" is so asinine. I have my G.E.D., I busted my ass in the military and I am a first generation college graduate. So am I offended that people say that I somehow cheated? Absolutely. I fought, and scratched, and worked to be where I am today. That's what successful people do.

Do I understand what it's like to be black? No, just like I don't know what it's like to be from the country, or from Taiwan, or from South America. There's a lot I don't know. I had no choice in where I was born, what time period, or my race. Yet somehow I'm a villain, an oppressor?!

With all that's going on with Ferguson, NYC, etc. I am finally seeing this "racial divide". The problem is, I don't think that the divide is closing. It seems that society is being torn even further apart. Lines are being drawn and walls are coming up. Something I didn't feel in 1992 when the L.A. riots happened, but then again I was just a fourteen year old kid at the time and my "antenna" for such things was not what it is today.

How is it that I'm the "bad guy" for being a Police Officer? These "F*** the Police" dissenters would say it's ridiculous to say that all foster parents are child molesters, or that all accountants embezzle money; yet somehow all cops are out to kill people, and trample civil and human rights. Hmm. Oh, and I'm a dirty cop because I won't acknowledge "systemic oppression"... Is it possible that between serving my community of half a million people and my own private life, that I might not be aware of "systemic oppression" in some other city that I've never been - involving people I don't know? When the Ferguson situation began I literally had to Google it to even know where it was, and I lived at one point less than 3 hours from there.  

But of course I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I'm white. Oh yeah, a white COP. I'm doubly damned.

Sorry, these are all frustrations and thoughts that have been swirling around in my head, even keeping me awake at night. So why rant? Why be vulnerable? Why spill these feelings? Because I'm human and just like you - I want to be heard and accepted. I don't want to B.S. you.

I would find it very easy to become a recluse, cutting those people who don't agree with me right out of my life. That would be the easy way out. But that isn't the way reconciliation, growth, love or understanding takes place.

A long time friend sent me this quote last week, it really helped me overcome the urge to shut down and shutout people. Thanks Jeff.

"We do not really see through our eyes or hear through our ears,

but through our beliefs.

To put our beliefs on hold is to cease to exist as ourselves

for a moment -- and that is not easy.

It is painful as well,

because it means turning yourself inside out,

giving up your own sense of who you are,

and being willing to see yourself in the unflattering light

of another's angry gaze.

It is not easy, but it is the only way to learn

what it might feel like to be someone else

and the only way to start the dialogue."

- Lisa Delpit

Yesterday's sermon at my church also hit me really hard. I was reminded how stubborn I can be. Sometimes I find myself shutting down in the face of conflict and that is incredibly selfish, plus it prohibits resolution. How hard it is to resist telling off those who I feel are condemning me. 

I'm a flawed human, and as a Christian I'm called to love. Yet as the Pastor pointed out yesterday, "You cannot truly love people you dislike. We have bought into the lie that we can separate loving and liking." So am I loving well as of late? No.

The Pastor also said, "In order for us to love and like people we have to enter their world." He issued us this rhetorical challenge: 

"Who's world do you need to step into?"

That's what I am trying to figure out, and how that's done. Done in an honest, humble, and without ulterior motives kinda way. There is so much I have yet to learn. So much left to experience. Please forgive me for not being mindful or constructive as of late. In the perfect words of G.K. Chesterton when asked what was wrong with the world, he replied, "I am."

F*** the Police!

In the light of Ferguson Missouri and other highly publicized incidents that involve Law Enforcement there tends to be this F*** the Police faction that emerges. And even those not that extreme will make allegations that Peace Officers are “self-serving”. I don’t like to put out online that I’m a Police Officer, well for one because I do have to worry about the safety of my family, even though there is a 1^st Amendment I could be disciplined or lose my job for saying something “out of line”, and because there’s this tendency to have already written me off because I am a government employee.

Before I get to my intended topic let me start by saying this… I don’t believe in hiding behind the badge or covering up misconduct. Officers should be held to the highest of standards, and those Officers who feel that they shouldn’t be accountable should look for a new profession.  There has been a couple people recently who’ve been shocked to hear me say that an Officer should face jail time or civil suit for misconduct. The law isn’t a one way street - citizens should never feel that it is.

Moving along.

This idea that Law Enforcement Officers are “self-serving” is infuriating (and I’m sure someone is going to say “See! See! Told you so!”).

·         Law Enforcement Officers have higher rates of suicide, depression, alcoholism and divorce than the general public.

·         Officers have to wear a “bullet-proof” vest as part of their everyday work attire. And be skilled in defensive tactics as well.

·         Officers spend their day going from problem to problem, chaos to chaos. I “joke” that Officers never get invited to a happy birthday party, but we have definitely been to ones where uncle Joe stabbed cousin Betty.

·         Officers tend to suffer from many work related health problems (high blood pressure, weight gain, back problems, high cholesterol, etc).  

·         Officers’ average lifespan after retirement is 5 years.

·         Officers tend to work shift-work, holidays and weekends. This can have a huge impact on family life (part of the divorce equation).

·         Officers see things no one should ever have to but there are people who do evil things to others.

·         Officers face internal and external scrutiny, which is necessary, but this can contribute to generally low morale.

·         Officers’ spouses/significant others have to hope and pray that their loved one makes it home safely.

·         Officers see god-awful things. Dead children. Rape victims. Gnarly traffic accidents. Homicide scenes. Suicides. And those are things we won’t ever forget.

·         Officers try to keep their personal information off of search sites so someone doesn’t seek them out, targeting them or their family at home.

·         Officers can not only feel the most alive while on the job but also the most alone. Working long hours and nights, typically alone plus responding to situations where there usually isn’t a warm welcome waiting for them.

·         Officers have to bear the burden of two things, the possibility that they may have to take a life and that they might have to sacrifice their own life while serving others.

·         Officers have these moments of extreme gratitude after some incidents. They realize that things could have been worse and that they’re lucky to be alive.

Somehow there are people who will overlook the above list and still say that Officers are “self-serving”. I just don’t get it. I have seen firsthand the mixed messages that Law Enforcement has to wade through – just one example… There was an outcry that there wasn’t enough of a Police presence downtown so the Department dedicated more Officers to that area only to have the very same people say that having all the Officers in the area might give tourists the impression that it isn’t a safe place to spend their money.  I have seen firsthand those things in the list, burying it inside to the detriment of myself and my relationships.

Regardless of what these naysayers think or say, or how thankless this profession feels,  I for one will continue to faithfully serve others, putting service before self; I will rush to the aid of whoever needs it; I will strive to remain knowledgeable of the latest trends and training; I will welcome constructive criticism; I will always remember my oath and what it means to be a public servant; I will always tell my wife that I love her and be thankful when I make it home at the end of the shift.

Sweatshop Goods and Religious Freedom

I'll be straight up, I don't know much about the Hobby Lobby situation. As a person who is typically skeptical, my initial thoughts are that the Hobby Lobby owner was using his beliefs to avoid the cost involved with RomneyCare aka ObamaCare. HL after-all is a for profit business and not a Church. Like I said... "Skeptical".

So starting off with complete transparency, this Hobby Lobby ruling leaves me with more questions than answers. And I'll also say that I am anti-abortion.

More and more I've come to believe that the greater the reach of the government the greater the loss of personal liberties. BUT is there a point where anarchy does the same thing? Simplistically speaking, the government requires drivers to have insurance and drive within specified lanes. That is government involvement in our daily lives, if there were no rules of the road it would be chaos at best and deadly at worst. So where are the lines drawn or are there no lines?

So here are some of my thoughts...

• Is the owner of Hobby Lobby actually supporting abortion by having it covered by insurance or is it on the conscience of the employee who chooses to use that provision? Is this similar to me giving a panhandler some change with the desire that they use it wisely?
• The ruling of the Supreme Court on Hobby Lobby creates "case law", a precedent. Does that open the door to any "religion" to opt out of this or that? Mormons don't believe in blood transfusions. Christian Scientists don't believe in doctors or medicine. The Creativity Movement (formerly known as the "World Church of the Creator) believes that non-whites are sub-human. 
• Should capitalism be used as a regulatory means vs government regulation? Meaning, if an employer doesn't provide the benefits you want you move along to an employer that does; or if an employer isn't paying well you move on to an employer that does pay well.
• Who defines what is a "religion", "religious belief" or "religious exemption"?
• How does the government find and preserve the balance in religious freedom without religious freedom becoming exclusionary, vague, a monarchy, extinct, or a violent dictatorship? 

Like I said, more questions than answers. And why I sometimes have a hard time getting to sleep.

Closed ears. Closed hearts.

Here recently a longtime and dear friend posted an article on Facebook that was extremely polarizing.  But they claimed the intention was merely to start a discussion.  "Funny" how that doesn't work well when you open by saying X group of people are wrong.  Then go one step further by shutting down people who wish to discuss the topic by saying "We'll just have to agree to disagree."

I'm pretty sure I've said that before, most likely in jest.  The thing about that saying, it's bullshit.  What you're truly saying is, "My opinion is more important than what you think and how that opinion affects you.  I have absolutely no desire to hear you out with the intention of knowing you better.  There is no chance I could be wrong."

Over the years I have said and done mean things, but one of the worst things someone can do to another is to be dismissive.  Recently I saw a study that showed children who are ignored by their parents are just as damaged as those who have been physically abused by their parents.  When someone says, "We'll just have to agree to disagree." they've just shut down.  Anything you say is going to go in one ear and out the other of that person.  They are no longer valuing you or your opinion.  There is this wall that begins to be built between you two because of that.  Why in the world would you ever want to share your thoughts with someone who cares more about their opinion than you?

Not long ago I was driving downtown with a lesbian friend (yes I have those).  We passed a guy who was standing on a flower box yelling condemnation on everyone who passed in the name of his god.  After we passed my friend thanked me for not being like that guy.  She said she knows what I believe, but because I love her she wants to know about my God and has no desire to know about the street preacher's god.  In a genuine relationship one can love the other without seeing eye to eye because there is a willingness to know the other completely.  You know that "unconditional love" thing? 

Those of us who have a spouse know full well that we're not going to always agree 100% with our spouse.  But if we essentially tell them to F-off because their opinion doesn't matter, we have sabotaged that relationship and I'll be bold enough to say it, started its demise.

I'm NOT saying that we must walk on eggshells or agree with everything that someone we talk to/have a relationship with.  Being a pushover severely limits the real you, the person you were created to be.  We've all met those people who don't have their own opinion; those "yes men"; those "uh huh" conversationalists.  But having an opinion doesn't mean that you have to be disrespectful, forceful or dismissive.  Isn't it imperative that our ideas have an audit from time to time?  Maybe that looks like - your opinion differing from that of a friend, and the two of you two genuinely wrestling with those opinions.  After all, ideas have consequences.  It's healthy to take stock of our beliefs, and when you can wade through everything with someone/others (even those who do not agree) you can see where you may have been wrong, AND strengthen those other beliefs. 

So before you write someone off by saying, "We'll just have to agree to disagree.", realize that person may not trust you with their heart again.

"The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists of listening to them. Just as love of God begins with listening to his word, so the beginning of love for our brothers and sisters is learning to listen to them." — Dietrich Bonhoeffer