I'm pissed. I'm frustrated. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. And overall I'm just fed up.
I guess I don't understand this concept of "white privilege". Apparently this guy, me, a simple dude from California's Central Valley isn't a self-made man after all. Somewhere along the way I received a boost, a hand up from unseen entities to get where I am today. I didn't have to work for what I have. This idea that I have some sort of "privilege" is so asinine. I have my G.E.D., I busted my ass in the military and I am a first generation college graduate. So am I offended that people say that I somehow cheated? Absolutely. I fought, and scratched, and worked to be where I am today. That's what successful people do.
Do I understand what it's like to be black? No, just like I don't know what it's like to be from the country, or from Taiwan, or from South America. There's a lot I don't know. I had no choice in where I was born, what time period, or my race. Yet somehow I'm a villain, an oppressor?!
With all that's going on with Ferguson, NYC, etc. I am finally seeing this "racial divide". The problem is, I don't think that the divide is closing. It seems that society is being torn even further apart. Lines are being drawn and walls are coming up. Something I didn't feel in 1992 when the L.A. riots happened, but then again I was just a fourteen year old kid at the time and my "antenna" for such things was not what it is today.
How is it that I'm the "bad guy" for being a Police Officer? These "F*** the Police" dissenters would say it's ridiculous to say that all foster parents are child molesters, or that all accountants embezzle money; yet somehow all cops are out to kill people, and trample civil and human rights. Hmm. Oh, and I'm a dirty cop because I won't acknowledge "systemic oppression"... Is it possible that between serving my community of half a million people and my own private life, that I might not be aware of "systemic oppression" in some other city that I've never been - involving people I don't know? When the Ferguson situation began I literally had to Google it to even know where it was, and I lived at one point less than 3 hours from there.
But of course I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I'm white. Oh yeah, a white COP. I'm doubly damned.
Sorry, these are all frustrations and thoughts that have been swirling around in my head, even keeping me awake at night. So why rant? Why be vulnerable? Why spill these feelings? Because I'm human and just like you - I want to be heard and accepted. I don't want to B.S. you.
I would find it very easy to become a recluse, cutting those people who don't agree with me right out of my life. That would be the easy way out. But that isn't the way reconciliation, growth, love or understanding takes place.
A long time friend sent me this quote last week, it really helped me overcome the urge to shut down and shutout people. Thanks Jeff.
"We do not really see through our eyes or hear through our ears,
but through our beliefs.
To put our beliefs on hold is to cease to exist as ourselves
for a moment -- and that is not easy.
It is painful as well,
because it means turning yourself inside out,
giving up your own sense of who you are,
and being willing to see yourself in the unflattering light
of another's angry gaze.
It is not easy, but it is the only way to learn
what it might feel like to be someone else
and the only way to start the dialogue."
- Lisa Delpit
Yesterday's sermon at my church also hit me really hard. I was reminded how stubborn I can be. Sometimes I find myself shutting down in the face of conflict and that is incredibly selfish, plus it prohibits resolution. How hard it is to resist telling off those who I feel are condemning me.
I'm a flawed human, and as a Christian I'm called to love. Yet as the Pastor pointed out yesterday, "You cannot truly love people you dislike. We have bought into the lie that we can separate loving and liking." So am I loving well as of late? No.
The Pastor also said, "In order for us to love and like people we have to enter their world." He issued us this rhetorical challenge:
"Who's world do you need to step into?"
That's what I am trying to figure out, and how that's done. Done in an honest, humble, and without ulterior motives kinda way. There is so much I have yet to learn. So much left to experience. Please forgive me for not being mindful or constructive as of late. In the perfect words of G.K. Chesterton when asked what was wrong with the world, he replied, "I am."
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