Deep thoughts in the morning?

About 2 months ago I pulled the plug on Facebook. My account was only "deactivated" because I couldn't find a way to actually kill it completely. I had this list of things to accomplish before I'd consider social-networking again. Let's see how I'm doing...

GOALS:

Finish several books I've started. (Haven't even finished one)

Clean and keep clean my room, finally. (Ha Ha riiight)

Donate 1/4+ of my clothes. (I actually may have accomplished this one)

Clean my garage. (Nope)

1 intentional photo outing a week. (Not a one)

Journal more. (kinda?)

Love more. ('bout the same)

Serve more. (Sure haven't)

Decide on some business specifics (branding/ pricing/ marketing). (Haven't even touched this one)

How can I be such a flake? Where does my time go?

I can't honestly say that this past two months have been a sheer waste of time. I have had a blast, I've gotten to know my (now) fiancee better, and life really is good. What would my life look like if I could stay on task - actually following through with things to reach my goals and be productive? I seriously have this problem of not knowing where my days go. The next thing I know is the day is over and I can't remember what I did. Does this happen to you too?

When I wrote my near manifesto about wasting too much time on Facebook, I figured in many ways that quitting cold turkey would be the jump-start my life needed. I truly did feel more satisfied and productive for a couple of weeks. But now I've found other ways to be distracted (hence: blogging). About a week and a half ago I reactivated my Facebook for 3 days to announce to the "world" that I had gotten engaged. I loved the dozens of "congrats" I received. I loved the attention that I had for being "back" (not that I'd really gone anywhere). By the end of this three days I felt so consumed by FB. I had to know what everyone was up to, if anything in their lives had changed over the past two months, I had to see each and every photo. Over the course of those three days I had probably spent 5+ hours a day on Facebook. It wasn't a tough decision to pull the plug again. It was actually a welcomed relief. 

So what the hell am I going to do to get out of these doldrums, to take back my life, and be productive??? 

For me I need others to spur me along. I need that camaraderie. That gentle nudge or a full on shove sometimes to break me out of my complacency. Yesterday I met with a longtime friend for two hours and we talked about goals, life, and "casting vision". We talked about marriage. We dreamed big. This was what I've been needing, now I just hope that I can be a good friend and also be just as much an encouragement. I don't want to be a mooch. I've never wanted to be a mooch, but I see that I can often be this when I'm depressed, complacent, or stuck in a rut. With my wedding 137 days away I'd better learn how to be a good partner and friend, because I can't always be the one to take take take.

For being most days, incredibly lazy, I've also somehow been too busy to slow down and breathe. Andrea and I have been going to pre-engagement counseling and at one of these sessions the counselor could tell that I was stressed out. She asked me if I could take five minutes everyday to take a time out, to clear my head and to breathe. I told her no. I felt that was too much time. She then asked, "What about three minutes? Would you be more inclined to do that over five minutes?" I shrugged and said, "Yeah, probably." That was a month ago, and from my best recollection I have only done that once. I even watched the time so I wouldn't spend more than five minutes "sitting around doing nothing".

And maybe this is where my problems reside, in my innate desire to be doing something, even wasting time. I need to as they say, "slow down and smell the roses."

Makoto Fujimura says it more eloquently:

"Beauty often resides in the peripheries of our lives. We walk past such humble miracles, such as the babe in the manger in a little village of Bethlehem, all the time. In the frantic pace of life, we need to slow down and simply observe natural forces around us and create out of that experience. What makes us truly human may not be how fast we are able to accomplish a task but what we experience fully, carefully, and quietly in the process."

With that, and with this I wrap up this pouring of thoughts onto a "page". I'm going to give my blood sugar a boost in the form of some leftovers, and then I'm going to go live (, then work).