Beauty Will Save the World

As the next season of the proverbial trashcan fire, The Bachelor, begins I've been dwelling on a weird phenomena. In an apparent pushback against a culture that seems so preoccupied with women's physical beauty there are parents who have decided to forgo telling their girls that they are beautiful or mentioning their looks. 

Sure I'm a new dad, but forgoing telling my daughter that I think she's beautiful seems so foreign to me. I want to lavish her with affection, words of affirmation and attention all day - everyday. Our American culture seems to chew up and spit out our youth. Colorado Springs has one of the highest teen suicide rates in the country. Some might be quick to chalk it up to "mental health", but I would say it has a lot to do with the voices speaking in to these kids' lives. You can only be bullied, body shamed, or called "fugly" for so long before you start to wonder your worth.

"Identity is discovered through the voice we listen to."

- Jonathan Helser 

If the influence of peers isn't strong enough to define our kids; research has said that we see 3,000+ advertisements per day. If you turn on the TV, peruse a magazines or scroll Instagram, you will probably come away with the sense that you aren't attractive, fit or exciting enough. Now imagine that those voices are all your kids hear... What if you never told your wife that you thought she was beautiful? What if the first time your daughter heard "you're beautiful" was from a guy who was trying to date her?  

It's unfortunate that media and society holds so much power to shape us. We must have consistent, wise and loving voices speaking into the lives of our children. It is our duty as parents to provide that fertile soil so that our kids grow up to be strong and loving adults. There is no time for passivity. Tell them how wonderful, smart, kind, beautiful/handsome you think they are. Words are powerful - use them for good.     

"I think refraining from calling something that is beautiful - beautiful, is inherently inhuman... My girls are beautiful.  And I'll be damned if I don't tell them so."

- James, father of 4 girls and my long time friend

Sticks and Stones.

Just recently someone very dear to me told me to "fuck off", on Facebook none the less.  This hit me hard because this person has never spoken to me like that, and I doubt either one of us would be that disrespectful in person.  But this has got me thinking about the words we say, more importantly the words I say.  How awful is it that I can recall the "funny" but hurtful things I've said but not the healthy things?

 

We have all heard or even sang that kids' anti-bullying song - "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."  What a load of crap.  Words are one of the most powerful things we have in us.  How we use them or neglect to use them has vast impact on those we love and those we come in contact with. 

 

It's not naïve to think that anyone reading this has had someone tell them off, break their heart or neglect them.  Our world is full of broken people, I being one of them.  I am also a culprit.  Many friends struggle with self-worth issues because their father made comments about their weight or looks.  Others try to "feel" something/anything in the wake of a parent never telling them that they were loved.  On one of my favorite TV shows, ABC's Extreme Weight Loss, many of the folks have wound up where they are because of the things those closest to them said. 

 

How do we break this destructive cycle?  How do we treat people better?  Maybe it begins with believing that others have worth equal to ours.  I have struggled with things such as "labels" for people (like shown in the photo above).  Recently I've been trying to change my attitude toward others, especially while driving in construction traffic.  Too many times I've internally said "What a retard/dick/asshole/bitch!" when someone has cut me off.  Since I've started to think of that person as highly as myself I have begun to not immediately think these things.  I have no idea what that person is going through or why they are driving carelessly but it's unhealthy for me to think of others so poorly. 

 

I've been married just over two years and I have seen in myself the stubbornness that arises during conflict.  In these times I have found it easy to clam up.  It's a good thing that I don't say mean things, but it can be just as hurtful to not say the things that need to be said.  Things such as - "I love you", "I'm sorry", "Please forgive me", "I trust you", etc.

 

I should have written out a flowchart for where I wanted this post to go, but I didn't and coupled with the afternoon slump I've hit the wall. 

 

All this to say: Be mindful of others.  Words said or unsaid can hurt or heal.  Love with abandon, you can't love too much (well... unless you're promoting someone's addiction or violating a Restraining Order).  Write a note to someone to let them know you appreciate them (I have two such notes from people, my wife and a friend, that I see daily).  Talk to that neighbor that seems difficult.  Text message those closest to you, or even someone you care about that you haven't talked to in awhile and let them know you're thinking about them.  Treat others as you want to be treated... you know, that "Golden Rule" thing.